Validation is Self Pity = Victimhood

Recently I attended a three-day long workshop.  During one of the training exercises we were asked what were our rackets, as they termed, that prevent us from moving forward or preventing us from connecting with our own innate power. 

I have been working on myself for years and I call those rackets patterns and I am very well aware of several of my patterns that I use to prevent myself from attaining my birthright of happiness above all. 

One of the patterns I was aware of is victimhood and how it spreads deep roots in us. 

During the training a couple of times I had deep ‘A HA’ moments.  The biggest one was how validation is related to victimhood.

Validation is the action of checking or proving the accuracy of something.  Scientists and researchers validate their data for its precision.   Validation in this form is essential so we, like a herd of lambs, do not follow one theory and leave everything else.

However, the word becomes a problem when it’s used in context of seeking praise from our parents, siblings, friends or colleagues for our achievements, for instance.   In simple words instead of feeling fabulous about our great deeds we wait for others to praise or pat us on the back for good work.  In this way validation becomes getting approval from others.    If others don’t comment then we feel something that we can’t put our finger on.  Then we start dwelling on it until we start feeling not good about lack of validation. 

Of course, humans are gregarious and need to be accepted by others but it becomes a problem when we feel happy only when others validate us.  We may even start feeling, “Oh poor me.  I was so good and my spouse, kids or friends didn’t comment on my behavior.  They didn’t even thank me.”

This way we  give our power away and always seek others’ approval aka validation for feeling good.  Validation, in this form, I think is the cause of feeling victimized. 

Like its parent, EGO, victimhood has different shades.  Basically victimhood means we feel sorry for ourselves.  Though many a time the resultant emotions are not as simple to sort out. 

Here are some strategies that my help cope with lack of others’ validation.  Let us know how you deal with such situations!

1.  Ask yourself this: 
2. Why am I feeling sad or  rather unhappy when others stay silent after hearing about my achievement when I can’t contain my excitement?
3. Why do I expect others to be happy for me?
4. Why do I want others to pat me on the back?
5. Is my act, feeling or emotion loving to me?

Don’t Take Everything Personal

When you allow a person’s words to upset you, you’re giving away your power – Dr. Phil

There are times when we, as adults, feel annoyed with one person or another, especially if they have not behaved the way we want them to.   Toddlers who are the purest form of a human never do that.  They live in the moment and make sure adults pay attention to them when needed and then they get busy. 

Perhaps we never fully outgrow our toddler mindset and look at the world from that perspective without being aware of it!  However the difference between a a toddler and an adult is that a toddler after throwing a tantrum would become normal in a few moments.  If we ask them what made them angry the day after their tantrum, they wouldn’t have a clue  about what we are talking about.  But as adults we get stuck in angry or irritated mindset by churning a particular experience for days, weeks and sometimes years after it happened.  We can lose sleep over something that happened once because we keep talking about it until it becomes bigger and bigger and out of hand.  

A friend’s daughter, Regina, was telling me how she was feeling so angry because of a person.  Though she never mentioned the name of the person but I knew it was her aunty with whom her family had strained relationship. 

Regina said, “You know one day the person came and told us how each one of us has wronged her. And the more I think about the event the more it makes me angry because I hadn’t done anything .”

“And?”  I said.

“But…” Regina continued.

“Oh I hear you.  But tell me how long ago was that?”

“A few weeks ago.”

“So how why did it affect you?” I asked.

 “I can’t forget the event,” she replied.

“How many times did you think about the event in that time?”

“In fact, the meanness of the person had been on my mind every day since the event.”

Don’t strangle others in your thoughts

“How many times did you strangle her in your thoughts?”

She smiled and sighed. 

“That rude person said something which you didn’t like or which, according to you, was not fair.  Now let me guess that the person’s visit must have become the hot topic of discussion between your mother and your other aunty for weeks.  But note that the rude person visited you once and she was rude to you only once.   How many times did you discuss your anger with your mother or kept visualizing the event? 

Regina blinked her eyes slowly as if seeing my point of view.  I narrated something that I had watched on Dr. Phil’s program years ago.   

A woman on the show was talking about her anger, something she experienced with her in-laws, several years ago.  Dr. Phil after hearing her said, “Your in-laws did this thing to you once.  How many times did you live the event by thinking about it?”  Then he said how we emotionally harm ourselves by  keeping the event alive in our head.

I would add that the woman was not only harming herself emotionally but also physically.  While laughter and good experiences release endorphin, oxytocin, serotonin  and dopamine which make us feel good, negative emotions release stress hormones like norepinephrine and cortisol.  Where do these chemicals go?  They flood every cell in the body.  We know that our body feels different when we are angry and when we are laughing or happy.  Over time our emotions affect our immune system.  Repetitive negative emotions lead to dis-ease in our body.

Then I asked Regina three questions:

1. How much time did she spend thinking about the person?
2. How did those few weeks when she was churning her angry thoughts affect her life and other project?
3. How had it diverted her attention from getting what she wanted? 

The last question was in the light of the fact that Regina had set up time with me because she wanted to discuss something very fun and creative about herself.  She completely forgot to mention that during our half to an hour long conversation because she was so upset with someone.

Many a times we get angry about other’s behavior and then keep thinking about them without realizing that not only we are harming our body but also wasting our time. 

It’s important to act smart and take care of ourselves.  People do things not to us or because of us but because who they are.  So dust their words and tone of voice off of you!

Dust off others behavior!!

 

Change is always constant

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we create them – Albert Einstein

Preparing workforce to embrace change is one of the biggest challenges at workplace.  Huge sums of money is spent on coaxing and training employees, to come on board, when a corporation changes its culture, brings in a new leader, or even a way of doing things.  Perhaps it’s related to Maslow’s theory where comfort and safety fall under basic human needs.  These needs are food and shelter.  But over time we have become mentally lazy and want to stay in status quo.  However, that doesn’t help with our non-tangible or even physical growth. For instance, in order to stay healthy, we have to exercise, eat right food and so on.

Modifying our behavior, thoughts and actions in order to change could be like learning to ride monocycle – feels precarious and dangerous!

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Changing oneself emotionally and psychologically could be challenging, especially when there is no one to bring us on board, like they do at work, or when we don’t see the reward that change would bring.  A friend recently told me that she gets angry a lot.  I told her to congratulate herself because awareness is the first step to get onto the healing path.  No matter, how difficult it may be to bring change or to unlearn a habit, the reward of changing oneself for the better are always sweet. We develop certain habits that serve us once.  But a time comes when they are no longer beneficial.  Over time, the stale habits that don’t serve us make us sick, if we continue on with them.  Anger is associated with high blood pressure, and even heart diseases. 

How can we make a change?

Reason for getting angry –When does anger arise?  Is it because of other’s actions or words? Are you expecting others to please you, uplift you?

Where in the body anger manifest – Chinese say anger affects liver

What or what is the running commentary of your thoughts – Are they about others or about yourself? Are you expecting others to make you happy?

How to make a paradigm shift – Take an action, Watch a funny video, Go for a walk, but being mindful of your feelings of the moment, ump up and down and say: I Feel Good, until you start laughing, Call a good weather friend.

Traps

I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere in the world –  Harun Yahya

Some of us are never satisfied with what we have.  We always want change. We want to move onto another thing, another place, another job, another friend.  We may become antsy after living in a place for a few years.  I have had some of these traits. I realized this way we don’t:

1. have to be intimate with anyone
2. Instead of facing ourselves, we keep ourselves busy so we don’t have to look within
3. Our time passes really well
4. Get close to anyone

This pattern makes us feel that we are trapped in our lives, in our jobs, in our friends or spouse’s presence.  So we think the way to avoid this is to change location, people, events and other experience.  Sometimes we may end up buying new cars or new gadget in order to face our feelings.

Life is very simple.  We don’t need complications to avoid the reality or seeing ourselves!

Why do you want to rescue others?

You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!

I was talking to a friend when she lamented about the cold weather of New York.  I heard and thought silently, ‘Of course, it’s the end of October which means the start of winters. It is expected the temperature to drop.’

Then she said how she has been so feeling.  Her nose was congested and she felt irritation in her throat.

“It helped only when I wore warm clothes.  Anti allergic medicine helped unblock my  nose.” she said.

“Use essential oils at the start of the symptoms,” I  immediately chimed in.

“Which oil.  I can get them from Whole Foods,” she said.   Her remark triggered a deja vu feelings and I wondered why?

This time, instead of thinking of rescuing her I  said, “When you were sick last time, I sent you the names of oils and the photos of the oil bottles.”

“I don’t remember,” she said.  But I remembered her condition was extremely bad when I talked to her last winters.  I suggested using oils and she agreed.  I raved about the benefits of the oils and even told her where she would be able to find it.

Then I called her after a week, she said she has become better and doesn’t need it.  I was disappointed and frustrated.  I wasted my time on texting and talking about the oils.  Recently I realized this is our pattern.  She says something and I suggest something to her, and we discuss about it in the light of how it would affect her health or diseases that she has.  Then she agrees to eat or do whatever I suggest.  But when I follow up with her, she says that she didn’t have time, or…

Today I remembered our pattern.  So, instead of immediately attempting to rescue her I told her to look in her old text.  I felt good about it because it’s not my duty to rescue anyone, no matter how much I love them.

 Today’s call triggered a question.

Why do we want to rescue?

1. To show our love.
2. To satisfy our ego and feel good that people are listening to us and doing whatever we tell them. It boosts our self-image.

For the first time I realized that the second reason plays a bigger role than the first one.

Is patience same as acceptance?

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting – Anonymous

 Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset, the word search from Google revealed.

According to this definition, we need to be patient when we don’t get the results we want, or when others are rude or misbehaving.  It means we need to extend patience not only to others but to ourselves as well, especially when we start a project and want to finish it as quickly as possible, or we want justice in a situation.

The above approach indicates our thought process, which sprouts from our values, that we learn growing up, that others are not adhering to our guidelines.  Similarly, internal impatience is the result of our instant gratification attitude.

Patience, to me, is allowing others to act or behave the way they want.  That doesn’t mean tolerating abuse.  We have to set boundaries in every relationship.  However, when others’ opinion differ from ours, it is then we need patience the most.  Why?  Because our way is not the only way.  Extending patience to ourselves mean we need to create a space, i.e., give ourselves time allowance, to complete the project or achieve the desired results.

What does a rejection stir in you?

Why do ejections hurt?

We are gregarious animals and by nature we want to be accepted by others.  We equate acceptance with love and rejection with dislike.  No one likes to be disliked.  But the fact is that rejections are not because of us.  A mother may not give a child junk food because she wants the child to be healthy as sugar may cause not only makes a person hyper, but over long time it puts pressure on pancreas which has to produce insulin to absorb sugar. Any type of artificial sweet causes the blood to spike up with energy and after a while and we feel elated.  However, when all the sugar is gone, one feels depressed because of low energy.

As adults we have expectations from others and we want everyone to like us, our work, our opinions, and everything belonging to us.  This is where the problem arises because it shows that our attitude becomes materialist.  We think our inner void would fill with the outer satisfactory moment.  Unfortunately, this can’t be far from truth.

According to Psychology Today, “In our hunter/gatherer past, being ostracized from our tribes was akin to a death sentence, as we were unlikely to survive for long alone.” 

We no longer live in those days and the type of rejections have also changed.  Sometimes a rejection can be a blessing in disguise.

What type of rejections affect you the most?  How do you deal with a rejection?

What do you project onto others?

For it’s only your own sins you see in him – A Course in Miracles

I was comfortably sitting with friend in the foyer of a school waiting for the rain to stop.  Another friend called me.  I picked up the telephone and walked away to the front glass door get some privacy.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw a mother carrying a bicycle.  My instinct was to open the door but then I didn’t feel like, so I turned my face away.  As the mother approached the door, my friend who was sitting, said something to me.  I thought she was telling me to open the door for the woman.  I was already feeling guilty because I’m always the first one to help people.  So, I snapped at the friend and said, “I’m at the phone.”  Then I looked outside and saw my other friend who was talking to me on the phone.

I completed the call and apologized to the friend.  I realized that it’s our own feelings we project onto others.

 

How does our perception affects us?

There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are doors of perception –  Aldous Huxley

What we perceive of others has nothing to do with others.  It’s what we have inside makes us see in others.  Although, at times it could be hard to acknowledge that, especially if one is living with a sex addict, or any type of addicts.  But they, or everyone else, do because who they are.  There is no space for the other person in that equation.  Feeling a victim then becomes our perception of ourselves.  No one can make us feel the way we do.  That is not to say that we were not victimize.  As Wayne Dyer said, “If you squeeze an orange, you will only get orange juice.”    Ours or others addiction in not because of others, it’s what’s inside us.

This life contrast of wanting a faithful partner and not having one prepares us to live an advantaged life.  That’s if we are willing to.  Contrast is there to make us focus on what we want, not to live a disadvantaged life.

One way to live an advantaged life is to recognize what’s happening and what one needs to do to live a life of one’s own desire.  Then move forward with breaking self-made boundaries of: What will others think, What does my culture say, I won’t be a good if I hurt my partner, my relatives…

How do you perceive others and yourself?

Patience can be an indicator of change

Patience is considered a virtue.  Patience means we have to wait to get the results we want. Sometimes patience is said to go hand in hand with trust.

I think, patience brings our underlying irritation into light.  True we have to wait many a times to achieve what we want, after doing everything that is required.  A woman has to wait for nine months, from conception to brining a baby into this world.

But there is a fine line between patience, procrastination, and disappointment. For instance, when we stall our actions based on others we are procrastinating.  If we are not careful, we can either procrastinate under the name of patience.  If we do something and wait patiently for a long time, there is a probability that we may lose hope.  This attitude could be dangerous because it can result in losing trust in others and in the universe. It can also create victimhood attitude.

We cannot solely rely on patience for everything.  Sometimes being patience is an indicator of change in strategy to get better results.