Recently I attended a three-day long workshop. During one of the training exercises we were asked what were our rackets, as they termed, that prevent us from moving forward or preventing us from connecting with our own innate power.
I have been working on myself for years and I call those rackets patterns and I am very well aware of several of my patterns that I use to prevent myself from attaining my birthright of happiness above all.
One of the patterns I was aware of is victimhood and how it spreads deep roots in us.
During the training a couple of times I had deep ‘A HA’ moments. The biggest one was how validation is related to victimhood.
Validation is the action of checking or proving the accuracy of something. Scientists and researchers validate their data for its precision. Validation in this form is essential so we, like a herd of lambs, do not follow one theory and leave everything else.
However, the word becomes a problem when it’s used in context of seeking praise from our parents, siblings, friends or colleagues for our achievements, for instance. In simple words instead of feeling fabulous about our great deeds we wait for others to praise or pat us on the back for good work. In this way validation becomes getting approval from others. If others don’t comment then we feel something that we can’t put our finger on. Then we start dwelling on it until we start feeling not good about lack of validation.
Of course, humans are gregarious and need to be accepted by others but it becomes a problem when we feel happy only when others validate us. We may even start feeling, “Oh poor me. I was so good and my spouse, kids or friends didn’t comment on my behavior. They didn’t even thank me.”
This way we give our power away and always seek others’ approval aka validation for feeling good. Validation, in this form, I think is the cause of feeling victimized.
Like its parent, EGO, victimhood has different shades. Basically victimhood means we feel sorry for ourselves. Though many a time the resultant emotions are not as simple to sort out.
Here are some strategies that my help cope with lack of others’ validation. Let us know how you deal with such situations!
- Ask yourself this:
- Why am I feeling sad or rather unhappy when others stay silent after hearing about my achievement when I can’t contain my excitement?
- Why do I expect others to be happy for me?
- Why do I want others to pat me on the back?
- Is my act, feeling or emotion loving to me?
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