What is happiness is to you?

Unhappy mind is unforgiving mind.  The unforgiving mind is full of fear and offers love no room to be itself. It is torn with doubt, confused about itself and all it sees…” ACIM

7df2c73195ef62c8298ee47459879666We all want to be happy. But do we really know how to be happy.  One common way is to set up goals so that after achieving them we feel happy.  Then that happiness vanishes and we are back to square one and then we look at things, people and events that can bring happiness to us.  So we look outwards and expect from others to make us happy.

 

Happiness is a learned behavior:   

Hafiz Love Quotes In Farsi - Valentine Day inside Love Quotes In Farsi

Light a fire if you want fire!

A friend’s husband was always grumpy.  He would never laugh, unless people he bullied cried.  He always had a scowl and even clenched his lips when smiling.  Children learn from their parents because they were unhappy, manipulative, abusive and unloving. But at some point in life adults have to put a stop to it in order to bring happiness to themselves and to people around.

Of course, we can never be happy 24/7 because we are human and our emotions fluctuate.  The difference between normal and habitually unhappy people is that latter are constantly looking for ways to be unhappy, either about themselves or mostly about others.

Strategies for dealing with unhappy people:  

  • Ignore their rants, for even if you did something to make them happy they would find something else in you to be unhappy about.
  • Never engage with them because they are never interested in working on a problem. Their only aim is to complain argue or badger others, with the purpose of intimidating.
  • Avoid their company.
  • Stand up for yourself and let them know that you are not intimidated of their threats or tactics.

 If we do any of the following things, then we have to ask ourselves why are we unhappy happiness-quote-3land what can we do to change our pattern.

Unhappy people are either:

  1. Complainers, or
  2. Complainer and aggressive

Complainers always find something, certain people, or life experiences to complain about. They always feel miserable because they think:

  • Others are taking advantage of them.
  • They are always giving to others.
  • If something has to go wrong it will.
  • Even if things go their way they will find faults.

It’s best to leave such people to their own devices.

 Type B unhappy people are a different ball game.  First they complain and then become aggressive and bullies.  It’s important to not take a bait they use to attack.  At times it’s important to stand up to them but it’s not worth spending time or energy on them.  Such people use every possible tactic to intimidate others.  They:

Don’t like happy people. Quickly get sick.
Don’t like orderly life. Can never be pleased, no matter what.
Are lazy and always looking for a fight. Don’t like people who stand up to their bullying.
Bully others in order to feel good. Are nitpickers.
Thrive in chaos because this way they avoid looking at their own behavior. Are self-serving dictators who want absolute control and want people to be afraid of them.
Are mean, manipulators, arrogant, controlling and cunnings. Go back on their words and complain that others are not keeping their word.
Are always rude and lie. Can never, ever be happy.
Are never grateful or do anything useful for others. Are moochers and take from others, be it money, time or anything els

Our traits that rob us of happiness:

Thought or Action Underlying Reason
Don’t like someone happy. Envy
Cannot see others laughing. Jealousy
Criticize others’ laughter. Self-pity and Control
Blame others for their unhappiness. Victimhood
Nitpicking Low self-esteem and low self-image
Bickering. Feeling unloved.
Seek negative reaction from others. Passive-aggressive negativity

How do you define happiness?    

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What are you afraid of?

What we fear of doing most is usually we most need to do– Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is fear?   1402860474b11fa1f015ee40ef86d608

Fear is a physiological reaction to the situation we are in.  Although fear is important for our survival, it actually is False Evidence Appearing Real.  They also say Fear = Decision + Time.  The more time we spend on making a decision about something, that we feel uncomfortable, the more we become afraid of the outcome of that decision.

Feeling afraid is not good feelings

FEAR creates harmful chemical reaction in our bodies that have negative affect on our mental and physical health.  The most common side effect of fear is stress, which causes  many illnesses if not controlled.  The following article discusses the harmful affect of fear:   http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/fear.htm

Shades of fear:

Media also plays an important role in creating fear in us. There are various shades of fears, nonetheless, it is fear. Fear attaches us to people and things.  We become afraid of:

  • Failure
  • The unknown
  • Losing face
  • Losing our partner/loved ones
  • Losing title or position at work
  • Appearing less than others,
  • Not knowing the result or not being able to control the results

fear-lights-photography-quote-text-favim-com-142736 

 

 

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Inner peace = sitting quietly with ourselves

All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone –  Blaise Pascal, French philosopher

f22465d106f6e00890e12907fc8ccb6bI have a friend who has been in the process of healing for years.  She goes from one workshop to another, from one country to another in search of that peace and inner healing, and yet she feels empty inside.  She is not alone.  We all seek inner peace and happiness.  To gain that we adapt different ways.  For example we:

  • Gossip – because it keeps us busy and diverts our attention away from ourselves.
  • Drink, eat, lie and do many other things – for momentary pleasures because it makes us forget what gnaws at us.
  • Abuse others – it fills our void that we think can only be filled if we browbeat others.

All the above actions make us feel good for a little bit because they provide an escape from ourselves.  But if we want happiness, contentment and peace we have to discover who we really are; the good and the bad, or our behavior that doesn’t serve us or others and the one that does serve.

Recognizing that  our traits are what we learned growing up is the first step into 54317c3f48bd9a682d71b83a32f9b06facquiring that allusive peace of mind.  This is not to blame others because just the way we learned skills to deal with a situation from our parents, they also learned things from theirs and so no.   The beauty is in recognizing that and wanting to change it. Determination is the key to change.

Change in our behavior is not difficult.   All we have to do is still quietly and listen to our inner voice after all the havoc and distractions of the thoughts that wouldn’t let us sit quietly are subsided.  Allow the horses of your thoughts to come in, bless them, wrap them in a bubble of pink light and release.  It takes time to change so we have to be:

  • Persistent
  • Patient with ourselves
  • Reward ourselves either by doing more meditation or treating yourself to a cup of coffee.

 

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What is healing to you?

As a teenager I thought healing was just physical healing and to heal any part of our body that has been wounded or hurt is to just put an ointment and nice bandage and it will be healed.

Later in my life I discovered that as life happens to us we get unseen wounds hidden 10253878_10152613664062264_7961685884494294173_nsomewhere in our mind.  The question became how to heal unseen scars?  Some say talk it out, express your anger, while others say learn a lesson.  Getting angry or keep on blaming others for our hurts, even if they caused it, never works because the scars are still hidden and the more we think that our hurts are caused by others, the more these scars hide.

So what is healing?

21d3b805e1953068b68ec946ddcefa6eHealing is aligning our soul, mind and body.  It’s easier said than done because we have learned the old ways of healing:  Blame others.  Healing is a lot of work. It’s to have internal inquiry, rather than an outer one.  It’s a long process and ego doesn’t like us to do something if there is a chance of negating it.

How do we know that we need healing in a certain area?

When some experiences, that we don’t like, keep coming in our lives despite the change in people and places.    that’s a sign that we need to deal with it so that we can heal ourselves and move on.

Healing is a step-by-step process:

  • First step is setting the intention.    healing-quotes-best-deep-sayings-any-pain
  • Internal inspection to find out our beliefs.
  • Ask if these beliefs are serving us? Like are they making us happy?
  • Be open to embracing new ideas. Once a friend told me that I always think that my way is not the only way.
  • Forgive ourselves and others, especially those who may have hurt us. This is rather a difficult concept because it’s not tangible.  It’s important to be compassionate with ourselves and more understanding of others.
  • Focus either on yourself or something else in the presence of people who irritated you.

Over time the emotional and psychological scars will, when wrapped in the bandage of love, disappear just like the physical one.

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How often do you visit your memories?

Memories, irrespective of whether they are good or bad, are nothing but the past. Memories:10795144aa4f32ae150be7204db59092

  • are constant.
  • create nostalgia.
  • create yearning for what was that can never be again – attachment.
  • rob us of our present moment.
  • prevent us from living in the moment.

Memories are important for our survival. Memory helped humans to evolve.  But sometimes we dwell in the past so much that we totally forget to live in the present moment.  Anything, like music, smell or a word, can trigger these memories.

b1420bdc7e2428d05eaa14470756b031Short-term memories, stored in hippocampus, like remembering password or a telephone number, are essential for proper daily functioning.  Long-term memories, stored in cortex, can be a blessing or a problem if we spend too much time.

Scientific studies have revealed that there is a chemical change during the first hour after a memorable event.  This change even alters protein structure. memories

It’s important to balance living in without too much dwelling into old memories.   How much time do you spend dwelling in the past by visiting your memories?

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What type of a friend are you?

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each one has been sent as a guide from beyond images
– Rumi

I believe that we attract people who are a vibrational match to us.  Proverbs like, “Misery loves company,” and “Birds of feather flock together,” indicate that how like-minded people attract each other.  If we are feeling miserable we will attract others who feeling the same.  Here I’m talking about plutonic friendship, though some of it could be applied to a romantic relationship as well.

There are different types of friends and we need all of them, even those who gossip about us because they are teaching us a lesson.

Friendly relationship is like a wagon where each friend represents a wheel that carries, or doesn’t carry, the friendship forward.  Each friend deal with a relationship and this dealing goes into the buggy and depending on what and how we do things or talk to each other puts the wagon in two positions.

  • Tilted in one side or the other, depending on who wants more, causing the wagon to stop moving.
  • Balances itself in the correct position so that the wagon can move forward.

missing20quoteWe can spend hours with a true friend without saying a word because we feel accepted and do not have the need to explain ourselves.   Friendships and relationships  are there to teach us.  As Rumi said:

Always search for your innermost nature in those you are with, as rose oil imbibes from roses.

Types of friendships:

  • 50/50 friends: These friends have tit-for-tat attitude.  If you do something for them, only then they would do it for you.  If they have done something for you then they expect you to return their favor.
  • 30/70 or Leeches: They want to put only 30 percent or less effort in the relationship and expect you to do the rest.  This can, over time, exhaust us.  After a while I run away from such people.  They just want to grab things from others and suck their energy.  Run away.
  • Fair weather friends: These are the ones that we go out for coffee, laugh and talk in general but they do not care about our stories.  It’s important to have these friends especially if we move from country to country or different cities.   One can always rely on them to have good time  because they take our minds off of a serious issue.
  • Long-time friends: We met them a while back and we may not be in touch on regular basis but when we meet them we can remanence about the place we met or the time we spent together.  Facebook has helped boost such friendships, especially when are living far.   These friends come and go.  They bring new energy.
  • Childhood friends: Those who are lucky and spent their childhood in one place would have such friends. Meeting them is like rekindling the enthusiasm that we had as children.
  • True/honest friends: These type of friends are a rare species.  They keep us in check, 50e1e9ce80fe66c205443b0146381c0bbrutally point out our mistakes, listen to us, drive us crazy, argue with us, not talk for several days after the argument and we feel something broke.  A valuable connection got lost.  They give us honest advice which may even hurt us.  These friends really love us and wish nothing but good things for us.  I have one such friend and she drives me crazy because she never turns on her camera when we Skype.  But she was always there whether I needed serious help or wanted good time.  I’m so grateful for her.  The last time I visited her in Seychelles was in 2010, after being away from each other for almost ten years.  But the absence didn’t make any difference and we picked up where we had left.

What type of a friend you are?  What experiences you had with your friends?

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How do you conquer yourself?

Today when I logged into the WordPress.com and saw Cheri Lucas Rowlands prompting us to write a post on the word ‘Conquer’.  That solved my problem because I couldn’t come up with today’s topic for my blogpost.

As children we think when we grow up we will conquer the world, which means that we would complete our education, get a job, get married, have children and live happily after.  Why happily ever after because if we do what we are told then there would be no end to our happiness and contentment. 55a4d55c037badc3c29358f05e275090

Unfortunately, the whole idea of happiness shatters when we do all the above and we are still not happy.

Why?

Because one thing missing in this picture is the habits, attitude and opinion that we acquire in the time we do all the above may not serve us, hence the unhappiness.  Over time we become so certain that our happiness evaporated because of other people and circumstances.  Not for a moment we think that our external world can never bring us contentment and happiness.  We, and only we, are responsible for our happiness.

quotation-bertrand-russell-fear-is-the-main-source-of-superstition-and-one-of-25-49-12When we realize the real source of happiness is in us we become afraid of losing our ideas that we held for so long.  We desperately cling to our old ideals that we saw our parents practicing.

But conquering that fear is the only way to achieve that happiness that was promised to us by the society.  It takes time to change the old habits but conquering our habits, attitude and opinions that don’t serve is the only way to our happiness.

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