I wrote a post about anger a while back but listening to Louis Hay audio prompted me to write another post on anger, but from a different perspective.
We usually think people are angry when they shout or verbalize their anger. But anger is of two types; the one we express outwardly and the other is we hold inwardly. I think former is the result of latter, though we may not be aware that we have inward anger. Whether we express it or not the vibration of anger can be felt outwardly.
Women express their anger by venting, while men use anger to control. Men usually shout and badger until the other party, usually a female and in some cases young male like sons, break down. The interesting thing is that men do not and cannot do to other adult men because they know they will not take it. Wars break out when grown-up men get angry at others.
What is anger?
|Anger is||Thoughts Process||Feelings of||Reason for anger|
|Resentment||Why others did this to me?||I don’t have any control.||Victim|
|Frustration||I didn’t have my way.||I can’t do anything about it.||Control|
|Anxiety||I don’t know how to get through the situation.||I’m helpless.||Confusion|
|Depression||Anger turned internally.||I need taken care of||Self-pity|
|Getting mad||My life is out of control.||Everyone is doing things to me.||Overwhelmed|
|Low self-esteem||Self-focused and not paying attention to fulfilling family’s duties.||I’m so inadequate. I have to nitpick others to make myself feel better.||Aggressive|
|Fear||I’ll lose it (whatever that may be).||I won’t be able to do anything.||Insecurity|
Anger is addiction:
Hypothalamus is the main region of the brain that controls emotional activity. So when we get angry hormones like oxytocin, vasopressin, and corticotrophin are released. Anger puts stress on every cell and muscle in the body. Over time anger becomes addictive.
How we learn anger:
Imagine as a child you were surrounded by kind people who smiled a lot, and the household was filled with laughter. There may have been occasional skirmishes but overall you were cared for kindly and listened to. Where would Mozart be if his talent wasn’t nurtured?
Imagine again. This time imagine you were scolded or beaten as a child or a teenager? Your parents and adults in your household shouting, and using other tactics, like manipulating and lying, and instead of taking responsibility of their behavior they always blamed others? This behavior leads to having “no time for the children.” Instead of loving the children, parents/adults use children to get at each other, and manipulate, lie to gain children’s sympathies.
This game of manipulation and lies gets ingrained in the child. And over time these children play the same game in their relationships. The sad part is that the behavior becomes so addictive that we can’t discern truth from a lie. It becomes a habit.
As Louis says, “This is not to blame anyone because we are the victims of victims.” Our parents become victim as well. But we can either continue to live a life of lies which equates misery, or we can decide to take enlightened path, filled with love. Awareness is the first step to healing.
Why choose the path of enlightenment?
Because lies, manipulations create a void, a black void that actually yearns to be lit with love. But we, as adults, think this void is filled by controlling others, by demanding that they do what we want, take care of us, let us have time on our own, let us pursue our interest and not bother us with any responsibility.
Anger arises when we can’t control others or when our manipulation and lies are caught. The first step in choosing the path of enlightenment:
- Reason for our anger
- How we express our anger
- Journal in order to see patterns, like what triggers anger, any time of the day, etc.
I frequented a meditation group that frequently arranged highly enlightened individuals to share their life experiences and tell how they got to that enlightened state. During one of such presentation one speaker taught how to make our emotions real, and not just express them in feelings towards others.
Time to play a game:
- Close your eyes and imagine that anger.
- Where do you see it?
- What’s the color of the anger?
- What animal would represent your anger?
My anger used to be tiny and big black urchins that float in my stomach, if or when I cannot control my external environment. But I used to talk to the urchins and ask objective questions about their presence and what can be done to let them go. The answers come from within. No amount of external stimuli can help like this exercise does. Another thing I used to do was to welcome them and then send light to those urchins, if they popped up, during meditation.
- Write down what you are angry about?
- Go for a walk.
- Give gratitude for the things one has. This brings calmness and opens heart.
- Get out of the vicious cycle of self-pity.
- Do breathing exercising – and
- Stop trying to solve a situation that triggered the anger
Things to remember about anger:
- Anger is not self-love. If we don’t love ourselves we cannot love others. Remember the childhood environment?
- Anger is about controlling others or a futile attempt to protect ourselves from others. We can never control others forever.
- Our anger will not fix others if they choose to stay broken.
- Part your ways from angry people, because they will, over time, rob you of joy, your will to laugh.
- Angry people take you down with them because they cannot see happy people.