Adults become abusive because growing up they have been abused and or have witnessed others being abused. Abuse could be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, and verbal among other type of abuse.
Abuser and victim role: In either case abusers observes two roles in a relationship: the abuser and the victim. They know how does it feel like being a victim, and what the abuser or oppressor gains by terrorizing the victim.
In case of a male abuser he has been beaten by the father, who either kicks, slaps, punches, or uses belts, ropes and other methods to punish the son, when the son is strictly not adhering or complying to the father’s ways.
When the son grows up he is filled with anger, and right so, because growing up with beating is not any easy thing. Parents are supposed to protect their children. Additionally the mother may not have prevented the father from beating the son, because she may think father’s action is right for he knows best, as over time he may have brain washed her thinking into that.
This is not to say that beating is necessary to create an abuser. Using any other type of abuse would also make the child into an abuser when he grows up. The first step in eliminating abuse is by showing respect to the other parent. For example, treating the mother or father of the child(ren) with respect will make the child respect that gender.
Abusers usually think that others are there to serve them, after all that’s what they saw growing up and getting or witnessing the beating means that they have to comply and live to please others. So, those who have been abused to the extent of getting beating through their childhood or adolescence start thinking that when they grow up they will have their way and force others to serve them.
The beating or the physical abuse stops when the son grows up and hits back his father. But by that time the damage is done because when the son grows up he will create the dynamic of an abusive relationship. He will internalize a relationship dynamic, namely the complementary roles of “abuser” and “victim”.
They become antisocial and want others to obey their every whim. The abusive behavior becomes their addiction.
According to mentlehealth.net, abusers who think other people are there to serve them are very likely psychologically ill, and possibly medically ill as well. They may have an antisocial (sociopathic, psychopathic) or narcissistic. Such people may abuse because of the benefits they receive from doing so, for instance, sexual or financial gratification, or the simple allure of power over other people’s lives.
How does abusive dynamic start? While a girl who grows up in an abusive environment may is prone to be the victim in a relationship because she, by default, would be attracted to the abuser. She ignores all the red flags of an abusive behavior in the beginning of a relationship. Gradually both the son, who receiving physical abuse growing, and the daughter who witnessed the beating, set up their own abusive relationship dynamics without realizing it. And the cycle continues!!!
What abusers don’t realize that:
Abusing others = Abusing yourself.
A Pakistani proverb goes like this, “A clever crow (eventually) sits on a heap of feces.”
Abusing others means that an abuser’s is always busy planning for the next move and he also doesn’t get any respite or relax and enjoy life. The interesting thing is that when a relationship doesn’t work, the way the abuser had seen growing up, he goes back to his father to learn more tricks, manipulations and validation. And the purpose of abuse is served because this is usually what the abusive father wants: to have the victim come back to him so that he, once again, feels in control. It’s pity how the father destroy the potential in a child to have a good life, for the sake of his personal gain.
Home is not the only place where abuse occurs. It can happen at work or even at school., but the most dangerous is the abusive environment at home.