According to domesticviolence.org abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control other.
Who inflicts abuse?
People who are jealous, bullies, manipulators, and broken from the inside. Like a damaged product they have emotional scars. They are moody and everything in a relationship is other person’s fault because they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. Abusers are proverbial wolf in a sheep’s clothing. They can be charming to begin with and then show their colors in private life, and like a magician they can pull up different tricks to fool their victims.
Abusers are emotionally hollow and they suck the energy of their victim in order to fill their ugly interior they have been carrying all their lives. Unfortunately the dose of borrowed energy is only a quick fix, a shot of alcohol. The affect doesn’t last long and after a while abusers, once again, need another quick fix.
How do abusers inflict abuse?
An image of a scurrying rabbit trying to find a shelter in order to hide from the bird of prey, comes to mind whenever I witness emotional or verbal abuse. The bird of prey circles in the air waiting for the prey to get exhausted and then it dives down and holds the neck of the rabbit and shakes it in all directions until it is rendered helpless. Then the bird eats it to get sustenance.
Abusers are also like vultures who hover over a dying animal waiting for it to dye so they can have a feeding frenzy. Like a vulture an abuser observes its victim closely, and pecks and pokes the victim emotionally, and waits for the moment when the victim is at its most vulnerable. Then the abuser attacks its victim with full force to cause yet another inch of emotional death.
The actual fun begins when the victim is all riled up, and start shouting and screaming after days, weeks, and months of enduring the emotional attacks. Abusers wait for this moment because it’s time for their emotional feeding frenzy. The abuser calms the victim down and tells others that they should have seen how the victim was misbehaving.
How people become abuser?
Abusers have been abused and mistreated by their parents or care givers. They usually have a family with a history of alcohol, drug, sexual, verbal, financial, and many other types of abuse.
Abusers don’t know what is love because they have never experienced love in a true sense. Their parents, instead of loving them, have used them to get at the other spouse and turn children against their other parent. This means the following:
To not allow a child receive pure love from others = not loving the child
When a parent does that it means he or she is the most selfish and sick human being.
Abuse cycle: Consists of four stages, as the diagram indicates. Abusers use ordinary conversation to put hooks into their victims.
Tension Building stage could start with something like: What’s for dinner? What’s your plan for today? Why are you not happy? Are you mad at me? Why is your mood off?
Incident stage beings when the victim avoids the comments on numerous occasions but the abuser badgers the victim until she/he gives in. That’s when the abuser starts shouting and the argument begins. When the victim says something then the abuser says things like, I cannot say anything in this relationship, I do so much for you and you never appreciate me, among other things. Abusers usually withdraw after the argument and use silent treatment to punish the victim. It could last from a few hours to a few weeks.
Reconciliation stage starts when abusers apologize and promise that they will never do it again. This is followed by calm, bait free environment because abuser’s ugly void is filled for a while. Time before the start of the next abuse cycle could last for a week, a day, or a month depending on a relationship.
The vicious cycle continues:
The sad part is that the victims also get addicted to the vicious cycle of abuse, and needs the fix of being put down, because they have grown in an abusive environment. They stay in an abusive relationship with the hope that it will improve, though deep down they know it will not. Weeks turn into months, years and decades and the hope never materializes. On the contrary, with time the abuse gets entrenched so deeply that they can’t live without each other. And the vicious cycle encompasses the children involved in it, who in turn become abusers or victims when they grow up.
The gender of the abuser depends on which parent was more dominant, and it’s usually the father or a male figure. That’s not to say that female figure is never dominant.
Traits of an abuser: Abusers abuse others in order to get what they want.
- They are extremely depressed, lonely, and scared. They lack confidence and avoid intimacy for fear of being found out by others.
- Abusers are selfish to their core. They only think about themselves.
- Abusers are nice and charming in public because appearances are very important to them.
- They cannot face the world and they need to have someone who could be made the culprit of their yucky feelings.
- Abusers look for a partner who is kind and generous and who is open to the world, the opposite of abusers.
- Abusers rile up the victims and then like leeches suck their energy and bring them down in order to feel good about themselves.
- They lie, manipulate, cheat and steal. They steal time, money, energy, peace of mind, and resources of those who are in their life.
- They accuse others of the same trait to divert the attention from them.
- They thrive in creating and sustaining drama and conflict because they are addicted to it.
Abusers have one addiction or the other:
Abusers always have an addiction. It could be:
- sexual addiction,
- addiction to video games,
- buying expensive cars, watches, clothes, or expensive adult toys with the hope that they would fill their inner vacuum.
What can a victim do?
First step is to realize that they are in an abusive relationship. In my earlier blog post I have mentioned that victims have to take responsibility of their own well being but at times living with an abuser, victims lose control because they don’t see a way out.
Strategies abusers use:
|Shouting||To control other and take their power away||Fear is instilled in the victim who is coerced into obeying.|
|Pointing faults||Feel good about themselves||Victims feels negative about themselves.|
|Use silent treatment||Inflict pain and punish the victim||Victims loses confidence.|
|Playing the victim||Gain sympathy||Victim falls for this deception and abuser buys time to think of further manipulation methods.|
|Ostracize||Control the victim’s mind||Victim returns to the abuser for support, resulting in being controlled by the abuser.|
|Plead innocence||Deception||Victim falls for it because being on guard is exhausting.|
|Use loving tone||To sound sincere||Victim believes the abuser is right and it’s all her fault.|