Abusers use anger to control others

Does anger make you a valuable person?

The greatness is not getting angry but knowing that you can get angry but you do not.

Anger, like any other emotion, is a natural emotion and it has various degrees and shades.  We all have been angry or frustrated at one time or the other and we know that it doesn’t feel good to be angry.   We all have vented one time or another.  It’s fine to feel angry once in a while but despite that it’s important to remember how we express our anger matters the most.  Here I am talking about anger and not rage because of which people end up killing others.

Expressing your anger

holding-anger-is-like-drinking-poison-anger-quoteThe most healthy way to express your anger is first calm yourself down and then talk about what is bothering you in a calm and assertive manner.   Neither being aggressive about it nor ignoring will help.  Because by being aggressively angry at others will only harm you and ignoring or pushing it down instead of dealing with it will harm you from the inside.

 

Anger is a learned behavior:

I think anger is a learned behavior. If children see family members getting angry they mimic the same behavior until it becomes a habit. At times we use anger to mask other emotions like guilt, shame, fear etc.

Unfortunately people use anger as a weapon to control others in a relationship. They shout, gesticulate to intimidate others. Eyes of an angry person, just before verbally attacking others, narrow and sink in their sockets, their face gets red, lips tighten, breathing becomes shallow. Angry people are aware of the change in their facial expression, their behavior and how it impacts others

Once a friend’s husband showed how his facial expressions change and what he does with his facial features when he gets angry.

When the person at the receiving end hears all the noise created by shouting they lose their bearing and get disoriented. Legitimately so they feel attacked and immediately think of defending themselves.

An angry person’s behavior always reminds me of what I read a while back about hunter-gatherers. While men hunted the game women and children gathered fruit, berries, nuts, etc. If an animal strayed near their living quarter they made loud noises by screaming and beating their utensils with sticks. The noise confused the animal resulting the animal running in all directions, hence becoming an easy target.

Even though we think we are more evolved than our ancestors with all the research and scientific advances perhaps we are not because some of us still use the primitive way to control other humans instead of animals.

It’s easier to get angry than to withhold anger. It’s best to take the high road and not take your anger out at others.

Some steps to take in order to avoid anger

  1. Never retaliate right away.
  2. Take a few deep breaths.
  3. Focus on your breath for a while.
  4. Count till 10 before talking to others, especially if you are in a situation where you cannot apply strategy # 1 and 2.

Only we make ourselves angry

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As always people using anger as a weapon to control a relationship say others make them angry because they don’t want to take responsibility for their behavior.

 

 

In my experience some of the following suggestions help avoid getting angry because of other’s behavior:

Reasons for getting angry

Reasons for people’s behavior

Rather than getting angry

When people don’t respect us.

 

People who don’t respect themselves will not respect other. Remove yourself from the situation. Let it be known that this is unacceptable.
People lie. They don’t lie because of you. Be aware of their lies and take everything they tell you with a grain of salt.
People manipulate. They don’t know any better because growing up they were manipulated. Set boundaries.

Confront their manipulation.

Be aware of their actions.

People are mean despite you being nice to them. This is who they are. Be nice for the sake of being nice and nothing else.

 

People are rude. Because they don’t know manners. Think that it’s not their fault. This is what they saw growing up.
People took advantage of you. This is what they do to everyone, if they can get by it. Don’t take it personal and don’t let it happen the second time.
People don’t fulfill a promise. They may not be capable of fulfilling their own words and your expectations. Keep your power by taking responsibility of your emotions and expectations. Walk away from such people.
People abandoned you. People can be selfish. Think two words: Good riddance.
People treat you badly. They know they can. Set boundaries and don’t allow it.
People label you. They are narrow-minded and have never lived with enlightened people. Pity them for their tunnel vision because that’s what they learned growing up.

Remember anger is not good for one’s health!!

How do you deal with situations that may make you angry?

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8 Responses to Abusers use anger to control others

  1. Wonderful post as always, Majida. I’ve heard that “Anger is only fear’s bodyguard.” Many of us learn to express anger rather than fear, shame, guilt, or grief. It has been conditioned in us that those feelings are not okay because they show weakness. Anger is really a “secondary” emotion, one we use when we really feel most of those other feelings we are afraid to have and express. I love the chart. It’s a great tool to learn how to manage ones feelings and reactions.

    • majdar2000 says:

      Kim you are right, perhaps fear is the foremost emotion behind anger. We are conditioned to not express our feelings. If or when I got angry I used to cry and since crying was/is considered a sign of weakness, I decided to just turn something off in me deep down when I am angry. This is not healthy. Though I have learned to express it and set boundaries.

  2. Reblogged this on Kim Bailey Deal and commented:
    My friend and fellow writer, Majida Rashid, always has insightful posts about human the human condition.

  3. i would agree that anger is most typically our way to express fear. From my perspective, anger itself is not a learned behavior but a basic human emotion. The way we express anger is the learned behavior and its something that we continue to learn all our lives. The challenge for those of us recovering from abuse is we have most likely not been shown ways to show anger in a healthy way.

  4. majdar2000 says:

    Thank you for stopping by my blog and giving your valuable opinion. For some reason your comments appeared today, even though I could see the comment but couldn’t reply. I have been abused emotionally and physically, though more of the former than the latter. You are so right that anger masks fear and sometimes it masks other emotions. Abusers fear the abusee for their strength, brilliance and many other things so they use anger as one of the weapon to opress/supress the abusee, lest they shine their light. If growing up they see anger was used to control others they will use it. Usually abusers have been abused. In this case even if we say that we have not been shown to show anger in a healthy way, we can learn. If, for instance, a flight gets late or cancelled one person may accept it easily means this is how they saw that if things don’t go their way there is no need to be angry. Another person may get angry, calls friends, family, etc. to express the anger. They may even swear and fume. Because this is what they learned growing up. If things don’t go their way then they have to be angry. For instance, growing up I never heard or saw anyone using foul language and so I don’t swear. Additionally if something doesn’t turn the way I want then I have learned to say there must be a reason behind it. So, I don’t get angry. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been angry or I allow people to walk all over me. Thank you once again for your comments.

  5. majdar2000 says:

    The very fact that emotion of anger arises is because they learned this is the way to deal with a situation or control it.

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