Does anger make you a valuable person?
The greatness is not getting angry but knowing that you can get angry but you do not.
Anger, like any other emotion, is a natural emotion and it has various degrees and shades. We all have been angry or frustrated at one time or the other and we know that it doesn’t feel good to be angry. We all have vented one time or another. It’s fine to feel angry once in a while but despite that it’s important to remember how we express our anger matters the most. Here I am talking about anger and not rage because of which people end up killing others.
Expressing your anger
The most healthy way to express your anger is first calm yourself down and then talk about what is bothering you in a calm and assertive manner. Neither being aggressive about it nor ignoring will help. Because by being aggressively angry at others will only harm you and ignoring or pushing it down instead of dealing with it will harm you from the inside.
Anger is a learned behavior:
I think anger is a learned behavior. If children see family members getting angry they mimic the same behavior until it becomes a habit. At times we use anger to mask other emotions like guilt, shame, fear etc.
Unfortunately people use anger as a weapon to control others in a relationship. They shout, gesticulate to intimidate others. Eyes of an angry person, just before verbally attacking others, narrow and sink in their sockets, their face gets red, lips tighten, breathing becomes shallow. Angry people are aware of the change in their facial expression, their behavior and how it impacts others
Once a friend’s husband showed how his facial expressions change and what he does with his facial features when he gets angry.
When the person at the receiving end hears all the noise created by shouting they lose their bearing and get disoriented. Legitimately so they feel attacked and immediately think of defending themselves.
An angry person’s behavior always reminds me of what I read a while back about hunter-gatherers. While men hunted the game women and children gathered fruit, berries, nuts, etc. If an animal strayed near their living quarter they made loud noises by screaming and beating their utensils with sticks. The noise confused the animal resulting the animal running in all directions, hence becoming an easy target.
Even though we think we are more evolved than our ancestors with all the research and scientific advances perhaps we are not because some of us still use the primitive way to control other humans instead of animals.
It’s easier to get angry than to withhold anger. It’s best to take the high road and not take your anger out at others.
Some steps to take in order to avoid anger
- Never retaliate right away.
- Take a few deep breaths.
- Focus on your breath for a while.
- Count till 10 before talking to others, especially if you are in a situation where you cannot apply strategy # 1 and 2.
Only we make ourselves angry
As always people using anger as a weapon to control a relationship say others make them angry because they don’t want to take responsibility for their behavior.
In my experience some of the following suggestions help avoid getting angry because of other’s behavior:
Reasons for getting angry
Reasons for people’s behavior
Rather than getting angry
|When people don’t respect us.
|People who don’t respect themselves will not respect other.||Remove yourself from the situation. Let it be known that this is unacceptable.|
|People lie.||They don’t lie because of you.||Be aware of their lies and take everything they tell you with a grain of salt.|
|People manipulate.||They don’t know any better because growing up they were manipulated.||Set boundaries.
Confront their manipulation.
Be aware of their actions.
|People are mean despite you being nice to them.||This is who they are.||Be nice for the sake of being nice and nothing else.
|People are rude.||Because they don’t know manners.||Think that it’s not their fault. This is what they saw growing up.|
|People took advantage of you.||This is what they do to everyone, if they can get by it.||Don’t take it personal and don’t let it happen the second time.|
|People don’t fulfill a promise.||They may not be capable of fulfilling their own words and your expectations.||Keep your power by taking responsibility of your emotions and expectations. Walk away from such people.|
|People abandoned you.||People can be selfish.||Think two words: Good riddance.|
|People treat you badly.||They know they can.||Set boundaries and don’t allow it.|
|People label you.||They are narrow-minded and have never lived with enlightened people.||Pity them for their tunnel vision because that’s what they learned growing up.|
Remember anger is not good for one’s health!!
How do you deal with situations that may make you angry?